Thursday, August 27, 2009

Ted: A Good Kennedy

I'm Kim Jong Il, and I'm the absolute despot of the People's Republic of North Korea a/k/a the "Hermit Kingdom". Now, I love me some servile bullshit. You might even say it's my stock-in-trade. There's nothing I enjoy so much (leaving aside the Pleasure Brigades) as the Mass Games, in which my slavish population displays their abject servitude through some elaborately coreographed and highly awkward bullshit.

But elaborately coreographed, awkward servile bullshit does not begin to describe what the American press has been doing since that fat bastard Ted Kennedy finally kicked it. I mean, seriously, people, where's your fucking dignity?

I shouldn't complain. The United States is a fruit I would very much like to pluck. But, seriously, I mean, this is a fantasy of mine. It kind of ruins it if you make it too obvious that you're ready for the iron finger in the velvet glove of despotism. Here's an example: It's like if there's a girl you want to sleep with, and she's rich and snobby but super hot and there's like this vaguely-hostile chemistry between you? You'll fantasize about giving her a good rodgering, and the ultimate would be when you break her, bring her to heel, the point when she wants to give you every last drop of what you want from her -- the point is that you can do it, because you crossed the Rubicon (or the DMZ) and mastered her. It's like you've suddenly opened up this electric circuit that's been burning out before.

But it's not cool and not satisfying if that girl gets drunk and blows a shitload of coke and starts crying and pukes on herself and passes the fuck out. Yes, at that point, you could, literally, do with her as you please. But that's hardly gentlemanly. It may be the Kennedy way, but a Kim would never do that. A Kennedy, it appears, lives for these opportunities, and Lady America has not failed to oblige. She has reduced herself to a bloody-nosed, weeping, strung-out whore. Have you ever fucked a girl like that? If so, you're probably a Kennedy. Or a Kennedy Smith. But you're not a Kim. We may have our flaws, but we're not animals for God's sake.

Let me get to the point. The media coverage of Ted Kennedy's death tells me that Americans have tired of their freedom. They would much prefer to be ruled -- even to be ruled by the most venal, corrupt, corpulent and buffoonish faux-aristocrats the world has ever seen. I'm talking of course of the Clan Kennedy.

Do you hear me? I'm Kim Jong Fucking Il and I have nothing but contempt for the Kennedys, and anyone who lionizes them. In fact, I've been listening to NPR and the mainstream media for all references to Ted Kennedy as "the lion of the senate" or "the lion of the left" or the "lion" of anything other than letting his poor girlfriend drown. You know why? Everyone who uses that phrase will have a job in my propaganda machine when I do the merciful thing and take over the US of A. Because these people have demonstrated that they are willing to believe and say anything no matter how absurd. When I take over, these are the same people who are going to refer to me as the "Lion of Civil Rights" or the "Lion of Increased Production" or the "Lion of Great Filmmaking" or whatever fucking lion I want to be. Surprisingly enough, I could probably leave NPR totally intact. I was expecting to have to do some restructuring, but evidently they've been falling all over themselves to outdo one another with obsequious fawning before the Clan Kennedy.

"Lion of the Senate," Jesus Fucking Christ. Like he's Omar Mukhtar or some shit. But you know what my favorite is? "The Conscience of the Senate". The Conscience of the Senate? Are you out of your fucking minds? Ted Kennedy isn't the conscience of the Senate -- for Christ's sake, he isn't even the conscience of Ted Kennedy! He left his girlfriend -- not even his girlfriend, just some girl who was unfortunate to get stuck in the car with that drunk, boorish bastard -- to die while he scampered off and left her to drown, expecting his family's fixers to make the problem go away. I've killed plenty of people in my day -- the job basically demands it -- but if I'm going to kill someone, I kill them like a man, not like some snot nosed sniveling little bitchass weasel trying to get away with it. I'm like "yeah, motherfucker, I killed that person, what's up?"

If Teddy had done this, and still gotten the maudlin, footlicking adulation he's received, I'd think to myself, "whoa, maybe Americans are hard in some mysterious way that makes them crazily loyal to bloated plutocrats who kill their girlfriends". But Americans don't love Teddy *despite* his flaws. Americans love Teddy because they've conditioned themselves to airbrush his flaws out of existence.


Let me point something out to you. There are two great pillars of American meritocracy: the military and private enterprise. No matter who you are, if you've got what it takes, you can survive or even thrive in one of these two contexts. It doesn't matter who you know, who you're related to or what. It just matters what you can deliver. There's a lot of bullshit in the military, but if you're a good soldier, you'll get recognized and rise in the ranks. If you're a good businessman, you may have some reverses or some false starts, but you'll start raking it in sooner or later. why do I raise these points? Because these are the points at which Ted Kennedy, RIP, has failed abjectly and indisputably.

Ted Kennedy lived his entire life without ever having a real job. Think about that.

Seriously. Think about living until 77 years old and never having a real job.

But then again, who would hire someone who got into Harvard because his dad pulled some strings and then got thrown out of Harvard for cheating and then got funneled into a do-nothing military job because his dad pulled some strings and then never advanced because he got caught cheating again (which his daddy covered up) and got elected to the senate (thanks to his father) despite being utterly and completely unqualified for the position and got reelected despite having killed his fucking girlfriend and trying to cover it up? I mean, seriously, it boggles the mind. If you heard this about me, you'd start writing letters to you congressman saying, "let's invade North Korea!" Well, friend, I'm going to invade your country instead, and you're going to lay down on the floor like the servile footlicking toadies that you are and piss yourselves with joy when I make my appearance.

I say these things not to speak ill of the dead (believe it or not, there are those who wish to speak ill of my dearly departed father, and I would never wish to stoop to their level) but rather to illustrate the fact that the late senior senator from Massachusetts should not get any credit for having, well, survived so many years in office. More to the point, what I'm saying is that Ted Kennedy should not get credit for anything.

Why? Well, let's start at the beginning. His credentials are suspect. He would never have gotten into Harvard but for his father's machinations and his family's heft. He would never have gotten back into Harvard, having been expelled already -- and let's be serious for a moment. Do we really think; do we really and truly think that the *only* reason why Harvard had to expel young Mr. Edward Kennedy was because he had his friend take a Spanish exam for him? No, we don't think that, because we know that he had probably exhausted any number of freebies and exceptions and matters swept under the rug and so forth before that august institution finally reached its breaking point.

So getting into Harvard was suspect and getting *back* into Harvard was suspect and meanwhile he performed some perfunctory military service eating pomfrites in Belgium and, curiously, never getting promoted past PFC. Think about this, now. Progressing past PFC is not an activity that requires very much exertion. It's more in the nature of something that happens to you, whether you do anything or not. Kind of like aging, gathering moss, turning gray, perspiring, or some such. And yet for all his father's powerful reach, Ted Kennedy -- alone among the Kennedys with the opportunity to make his way in the classic, blue-collar manner -- did exactly jack shit in the military.

He left the military, went to the United States Senate, killed Mary Jo, got reelected. He passed "Go" he collected many more than $200, he did not go to jail. And now everyone wants to pretend that he's George Fucking Washington.

Again, why do I raise these points? Because Ted Kennedy has never had a real job. While he has tried to paint himself as the -- let's say, as the "lion" of of the common man -- and celebrating him as some sort of champion of the little guy is perhaps the most revolting spectacle I've seen in American politics since, well, I don't know when. The man has never had a real job. The man has never made himself useful. He's simply subsisted as an acquisitive, bloated, self-righteous plutocrat.

Some folks want to give him credit for his "public service", but I say bullshit. Do I, Kim Jong Il, get credit for devoting my adult life to public service? Of course not! And for the same reason: Politics a/k/a "public service" was the family business. You don't fall all over yourself over the virtues of someone taking over the family business, do you? Especially when they're too sodden with drink and incapacitated with venality to do anything else. What else was he supposed to do, start bootlegging again?

And as for the "progressive" causes, you douchebags are really fucking stupid. No, Teddy gets no credit for his defense of "progressive" causes. Why? Well, partly because he didn't actually believe in them. If you believe that Teddy -- a Kennedy who left his girlfriend to die while he tried to cook up an alibi -- was a staunch "defender of women", then you are too stupid to live. Anyway, this is just an example. There are others, such as his opposition to offshore windmills because it would impair his enjoyment of his incredibly expensive vacation property, despite all of his bullshit pro-environment rhetoric.

Here's my point though: what were his alternatives? Was he going to turn into a Dixiecrat like Strom Thurmond? Obviously not. He would've lost his seat in congress, and that was the one thing tying him to his father, to his family, to everything that made Ted Kennedy what he was. In fact, he had no choice -- precisely because of his checkered past -- to do anything but take the most putatively "progressive" position that his constituency would tolerate.

So let's briefly review our writ of indictment against the late, bloated Sen. Edward "Ted" Kennedy:

- Accepted to Harvard because of his father's string-pulling
- Thrown out of Harvard despite his father's string-pulling
- Flops in the military despite his father's string-pulling
- Accepted back into Harvard because of his father's string-pulling
- Elected to Congress because of his fathers's/family's string-pulling
- Murders his girlfiend and gets away with it because of his family's sway
- Manages to stay in Congress despite his philandering and crippling alcoholism
- Ruins the careers of countless men wiser, more accomplished and more decent than he as member of the judiciary committee

And now he's dead. Speak no ill of the dead? Fuck that. I can't wait till they put him in the ground so I can piss on his grave. Like I always say, "a good Kennedy is a dead Kennedy." Ted's finally one of the best.

My wish for all the Kennedy Clan is that they all pile together into a an airplane or a tractor trailer or some large vessel and put one of their drunken, loutish, moronic buffoons behind the controls and aim for the bottom of the ocean floor at maximum speed.

You would meet a higher caliber of person at the general county lock up (and would be less likely to be sexually battered) than you would at a Kennedy family reunion.

See you in Hell, Teddy, you piece of shit. One of these days I'll piss on your grave.

Love,
KJI

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